toujours_impur | (for Hex and Remus) Pull or Push?

Sirius was in a pretty good mood. He had suggested they go down to the pub for dinner tonight, and had offered to buy the first round while Remus found them somewhere to sit, which is why he went directly to the bar to grab a pair of pints. To no one's surprise, however, he got distracted from his mission by the incredibly fit bloke sitting at the bar. He looked the man over from head to toe and gave him a warm, inviting smile out of sheer habit. He wasn't going to pull while he was out with Remus, honest. ...Not again anyway. Probably. Possibly. Hell, Moony would understand if he did, right?

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That fear, he understood. He'd felt it himself, etched in sideways glances and moments of furtive longing. Always afraid of discovery. Always unsure. But he understood Sirius, and finally all those pieces he couldn't fit together (his jealousy, his insecurity, his refusal to do more than date or shag) made a coherent whole.

So he used his arm to hug Sirius closer, almost cramming him against his side as they walked along together, something in him rising to the moment. "I've got you, Pads," he said, and kissed his hair. "Always have, always will." It was more than just a promise. "I know you're worried. I know you're scared. But I've got you." He wasn't about to abandon his best friend-and-more now. "Everything will be all right."

Sirius sagged against him a little as he was tugged close, tucked against Remus' side. He was grateful for the contact, for the little gestures of affection that he was pretty sure at this point he would never get enough of, but Remus couldn't know what would happen if they changed who they were to each other. God, he wanted this, wanted him, and had for ages, but if they took this step, there was no going back. Their relationship would be irrevocably changed, and if things didn't work out...Sirius could lose his best friend in the process.

He'd already lost one--two, if you counted that traitorous rat--and he only had the one left. Without Remus...well, he wasn't sure what he would do. The stakes had never been higher, really.

He exhaled a heavy sigh that trembled a little with the emotion clutching at his chest and murmured, "Can we talk about this at home?" He was far too sober to be able to deal with all of this.

Remus felt the tremble as much as he heard it, but he only chuckled fondly in response. "...Yes, of course." Sirius would probably want a drink and he wouldn't mind a cuppa himself.

"Do you want to Apparate home, then?" He asked quietly. They did still have a tube station to get to, a train to catch...the Ministry might have put them up in one of the newest parts of London, but Canary Wharf wasn't the most accessible - but then London in some ways always was and would be a maze.

Apparating when one was emotionally distraught was generally not the best idea, but Sirius hadn't ever splinched himself yet, and he didn't intend to start tonight. The alternative was several minutes of awkward silence or even more awkward conversation as they avoided the topic now hanging over them for the duration of their commute home.

"Yeah, probably best," he said with a faint nod, reluctantly moving away from the warmth of Remus' side and scanning their vicinity for a dark alley they could duck down to get away from muggle view.

Remus had already seen one, and so motioned Sirius in the right direction, before ducking into the alleyway first. It was a dirty mess, bins overfilling and a skip that was plastered with graffiti. London in the 1970s hadn't exactly been clean, but in this era it felt more like no-one could be bothered.

"If there was an award for apparating, you'd probably win that too," Remus muttered with some warmth as Sirius joined him, pulling out his wand. While apparating and strong emotion was not exactly an advisable mix, Remus honestly couldn't think of a moment where Sirius hadn't combined magic with strong emotion, even if it was often joy or simple competitive need. Besides, the last thing Sirius needed was to have Remus be a total worry wart and knock him off his stride. "Think you can beat me home?"

And then he was gone in a blink and a grin.

Remus being a worry wart was the last thing Sirius needed, but his transparent attempt at distraction was a close second. He rolled his eyes as he pulled out his wand, saying even as Remus disappeared with a crack, "Oh, as if I--"

He waved his wand mid-sentence, and finished it as he reappeared in their flat "--don't know what you're doing." He tucked his wand away and made directly for the kitchen to pour himself some damn whiskey so he'd be properly ready to deal with...whatever was to come next.

"There's ice in the freezer!" Remus called at hearing the crack of apparation, already having undone his jacket and draped it over the classic leather armchair. Adjusting his shirt sleeves, he glanced about the living room. Remus had figured Sirius would be mucking about in the kitchen to fix a drink. Knowing what the other was doing went both ways.

"...Actually, get me one too, would you please?" Remus' own desire for alcohol was more celebration than wake, but it seemed like a good idea.

He ended up on the couch, legs spread a little, arms out along the back. If Sirius wanted to sit next to him, he could; if Sirius was too uncomfortable at the prospect, he could have the armchair: he could pace about on the rug: he could lie on the bloody carpet for all Remus cared.

"'Course," Sirius called back, getting a second glass out and pouring a generous amount in each, then adding a couple of ice cubes. He headed back into the living room, handing Remus his drink before retreating to the armchair, curling up with his knees tucked to his chest, socked feet tucked against one arm and his back against the other.

He took a deep drink and then stared into the glass. "...So,' he said quietly, darting a brief glance at Remus before returning to contemplating the amber liquid and slowly melting ice.

"Thank you, m'dear," Remus said, almost automatic in the endearment before it hit him, again, what he'd been saying all those years. What he'd been admitting. And it made him smile a little, even if - from a simple glance at Sirius - this would not be the easiest of conversations.

Taking a far smaller sip, he then sat the drink down on the floor and pulled off his shoes. They might as well both be comfortable. "So. You're scared, aren't you?" he murmured quietly, trying to tease Sirius out a little.

Sirius barked a laugh at the question, sharp, jagged, and humorless. "...Yeah," he admitted in a heavy exhale, shoulders slumping a little. "If I wasn't, I would have initiated this conversation years ago."

He licked his lips and raised his gaze to Remus, his expression wary more than anything, although it wasn't Remus he was wary of.

Remus snorted gently. Right, of course he would have. Because both of them were so good at talking about their feelings.

"Well," he started, "I'm not scared. I am an idiot, though. For not seeing it. And I'm sorry I ignored all the signs," he continued, taking the burden onto himself. It was better that way, wasn't it? Easier. Familiar.

Remus took a deep breath of his own, and looked up to fix his gaze on Sirius': "But I do love you. Apparently we're practically a couple as it is, so why not get the extra benefits, eh?"

Yes, but which was worse, an idiot or a coward? Some brave Gryffindor he was. "I didn't want you to see them, so an apology is hardly necessary," he remarked wryly, sipping at his drink, looking away again.

At Remus' question he scoffed quietly. "Why not? Because if we do this, everything changes. Everything. We can't go back. And if--" he cut off the next word, changed it after the briefest of pauses, "--something goes wrong, then what?" He finished off the remaining liquid in his glass in a few large swallows, feeling the burn as it went down his throat, and set it on the floor before running his fingers through his hair, forehead touching his knees. "I'd rather not have you than lose you," he said in a small voice. Although his body strenuously disagreed with those words.

"No, but I wondered, sometimes. The way you acted - with anyone else, I would have thought they were jealous, but-" Remus broke off for a moment, floundering at the effort it took to admit it to himself, let alone Sirius.

"Anyway," because he wasn't quite prepared to go down that path, and besides, this wasn't about him and his feelings, "I honestly don't think everything changes. You heard Hex. You know us, Pads. We practically live in each other's pockets anyway." James knew, but Remus didn't want to think about that right now, either. He reached down with a fast hand and took a gulp of his drink, a smooth, singular motion.

"And you're not about to lose me," Remus told him, quiet, and gentle. "...You couldn't lose me if you tried, you daft bugger. I've been the one to hold your head when you puke in the loo from drinking too much, and the one who scolded you for trying something too dangerous, and the one who always, always ached for you to come back safe to me. That's everything, and it's not changing."

Sirius chuckled faintly at Remus' words, because yes, jealousy looked just the same on him as on anyone else, Moony.

"I know we do," he admitted, raising his head and resting his chin on his knees. The closeness they had, atypical of even best friends but that had worked for them for years, that was what had made being in love with his best friend all this time bearable. "That's not what I mean," he murmured, but he wasn't sure how to put what he did mean into words.

He swallowed hard, wanting desperately to believe those reassurances. "But I wasn't your boyfriend through all of that," he said softly, then laughed, an almost-bitter sound. "I don't even know if I can be a proper boyfriend." He wanted this, wanted Remus, wanted a relationship with him, he'd be mad not to, but the thought of being with only Remus? It would be...challenging to break years of habit of following his dick wherever it led him. Which was part of what he was afraid of.

Oh, and that drew out a rich, fond laugh from Remus' throat, chest shaking with the effort of it before it subsided, bringing a hand up to his mouth to stifle what remained.

"Pads, what makes you think I'd want a proper boyfriend? Or girlfriend, for that matter." Remus shrugged his shoulders, eyes a bit wide, inviting the question. "I'm sick half the month and hyper the other half. I don't need someone proper, I need someone who knows me, who understands. That's definitely you."

Breathing in through his nose, Remus sagged a little against the couch. "Look, I'm not expecting traditional and all the trimmings. Really." He'd never expected to make it to school, let alone get any friends. The prospect of some sort of regular partner (whatever that was) boggled the mind, and bored him to tears. "I just want us. That's all. And I wouldn't...I wouldn't try to limit you, you know," he added, softly, because part of him felt bad for admitting it. If Sirius worried about being proper, well, that wasn't exactly it.

Sirius fidgeted a little, his chest tight and aching with the cacophony of emotions swirling through him. He slowly unfolded, body pivoting until his feet hit the floor, and then he got to his feet, closing the distance between them to sit next to Remus, his movements almost timid. "I want us too," he whispered, curling up against him and resting his head on Remus' shoulder. "I just don't want to disappoint you." He'd done that more than enough as it was, he figured.

Remus curled an arm around his shoulders to keep him close. He'd done it before, but it felt more right, somehow. Maybe it was the alcohol.

"You will," he assured Sirius, craning a little to plant a kiss on Sirius' forehead, after brushing a lock of hair away. "And I'll still be a grumpy old bastard from time to time, and make you terribly mad. But that's how things are, m'dear. That's what relationships are like."

James and Lily had hardly gotten along every waking moment of every single day. To Remus, Sirius' fears were understandable....if a little silly. Sirius certainly couldn't expect perfection from a battered young werewolf, so there was no reason for Remus to expect it from him.

"How reassuring," Sirius muttered, moving a hand to rest over Remus' heart. He still wasn't entirely sure this was a good idea, but fuck it. He'd wanted it for years. Now that Remus had finally realized that, they couldn't go on pretending either way, so he may as well grab what he'd been aching for for so long.

"Well, I suppose my answer is yes then," he said quietly, tilting his head back to look at Remus, and then added with a faint smile. "Honestly, I'd try be anything you asked me to be, so your date is a pretty simple one to fulfill."

His own hand slipped to cover Sirius' while the other man spoke, pleased for the contact.

"I know the way you are with dates," Remus murmured, amused, and with absolutely no judgement in his eyes. He pulled back a little to look Sirius over with something that might have been claiming, his eyes lidded. "Are you going to wait to have it off with me until after the first date?" he wondered, biting his lip as he shifted his hand so his fingers could stroke at Sirius' wrist, push his sleeve down just to get at more of that lovely skin. He didn't really expect much protest, even as he leaned closer, all but pushing Sirius back against the couch, taking a dominant position. "Because I'm rather certain I've been waiting long enough for a proper snog."

He kissed Sirius then, lips pressed to lips, gentle but insistent. It was rather unlike their practice kisses, where Sirius had usually taken the lead. Remus was making it clear this would be on his terms.

Sirius snorted at the question. "Not bloody likely," he growled, but he didn't get a chance to say much more even if he'd wanted to, because Remus was kissing him, their first real kiss, and he wouldn't have stopped it for anything. He was quite happy to let Remus take the lead, but he was certainly not a passive participant, twining his arms round Remus' neck as he returned the kiss with a contented rumble in his chest, holding him close and feeling no need to hurry things along. After so many years of waiting, what was a few more minutes, after all? He wanted to savor this, to remember every moment.

"Oh, someone thinks they're setting the rules," Remus chuckled, deep in his chest, after he'd kissed Sirius as thoroughly as he knew how, all leisurely movements of tongue and lips. He pressed himself even closer, letting Sirius get a feel for how hard he was, crotch sliding against crotch, before he pushed himself back upright and scooted back down the couch.

He waved with his hand, taking Sirius in in the gesture. "C'mon then, love. Strip. I'm not wasting time fiddling with your buttons."

Sirius moaned softly, reaching for Remus as he pulled away, then getting to his feet at Remus' order, running a finger along the collar of his shirt. He arched an eyebrow, smiling almost coyly, and asked, "Fast or slow?"

Remus arched an eyebrow in turn, and looked something close to wryly amused, a hand moving to wipe over his mouth and chin as he thought about Sirius' question. "...Well, slow will get me sodding off to the bedroom while you mess about with your clothes, and fast will get me annoyed I wasn't able to enjoy the view. So," Remus declared, leaning back on the other arm of the couch, toeing off his shoes to let them clatter to the floor, and rather obviously started to rub his hard-on through his trousers, "why don't you pick something in between and see how much it pleases me?" It was probably one of the few times Remus would have agreed his grin was indeed wolfish and hungry.

Sirius couldn't help the shiver that ran through him, at Remus' voice, at the look in his eyes, at...all of it. This was a side of his best friend he'd never seen before, and...well, to be quite honest, it made him a little weak in the knees. He was something of a sexual chameleon, his tastes in the bedroom rather flexible depending on who he was with, but the feeling that was coming over him as Remus asserted dominance of the situation...that was new. And exhilarating.

His tongue flicked out to wet his lips, his gaze dropping to Remus hand no matter how many times he tried to drag it away, and he crossed his arms and grabbed the hem of his shirt, leisurely lifting it and pulling it over his head, discarding it to the floor when he was done. His fingertips trailed down the centre of his chest, over his abdomen, until he reached the low-slung waist of his trousers, popping the button and undoing the zip one-handed. Now his eyes were on Remus' face, wanting, needing to see if he was indeed pleasing him.

And Remus was pleased: indeed, very pleased. He showed that in the way his palm slowly, leisurely moved over his crotch, enough to keep that burning ache steeped. He showed it in the way his eyes never left Sirius' body, exploring, drinking in that sight in a way he'd never managed in furtive glances in bedrooms or dorms or showers. He showed it in the way he licked his upper lip as Sirius' hand trailed down his taut stomach and popped upon that button, making him emit a soft needy rumble from the back of his throat. And he showed it in the way he smiled at Sirius at the end, like he was the best and brightest student, like Remus couldn't ever be more proud.

Remus tugged his coat off, unbuttoned his top two buttons (unheard of!), and moved fast to slide a hand right down the open front of Sirius' trousers, claiming that cock like it was his own. There was no hesitation in his touch, nothing less than a full-blooded assertion of ownership. "...You've always been so damned handsome, you know?" he murmured, eyes scanning Sirius' face, instinctively searching for a reaction, for any sign this might be going too far. He kept one hand on the side of the couch, arched over Sirius like he was looming. "Damned pretty, really. And now you're all mine, aren't you, m'dear? So wonderful, and all for me." He gave Sirius' cock an experimental tug.